Oh so angry!

The day started out ok despite only getting three hours of sleep. I woke up for no apparent reason in the middle of the night and was unable to go back to sleep. This is a very, very rare occurrence for me. I’m the head-hits-pillow-and-I-pass-out-instantly-for-hours person. Whatever. I made it out to work today not feeling too horrible. With the exception of my throat muscles, all other muscles fared ok…until near the end of the day when I became EXTREMELY angry at a coworker’s insensitivity and apparent need to be in control and have all eyes on her during her presentation. I seriously just wanted to punch her in the face! Thank God it was near the end of the day and I could just walk away and not be escorted away.

This person felt the need to call me out during this presentation because I’m sure she thought I wasn’t paying attention even though I had contributed a few answers to questions posed during her presentation. She called out another coworker for looking at his phone during her presentation. Just because I’m not making eye contact or maintaining constant eye contact with a person doesn’t mean I’m not paying attention.

With myasthenia gravis (MG) affecting my eyes more on some days, it becomes a challenge to look up for more than a few seconds without my eyes becoming fatigued. Even a 5- to 10-degree angle is challenging. My eyes begin hurting, vision becomes blurry, and lids start drooping. Sometimes double vision kicks in. Lord knows I don’t want to see two of certain people! I have to look away or down to allow my eyes to rest. If you’re not dealing with this problem, it’s impossible to grasp what this is like. My eyes and eyesight are way more valuable to me than any presentation—or the ego in front of the presentation. Period! Perhaps I’ll skip future presentations.

I hate becoming this angry. It affects all of my muscles. I left the office a few minutes after the meeting ended because I knew if I stayed around: 1) My muscles would continue to deteriorate and 2) I was going to go medieval on someone. I tend to throw things when I’m really angry. I probably had just enough strength in my arms to pick up a heavy book and toss it at her. I’m a pretty good aim!

This person has asked me many questions about this disease. I’ve answered all questions and even gave her a couple of links to web pages for more technical info. Despite this, I often feel as if she thinks I’m not “trying hard enough” to feel better and heal, that I’m really just lazy or slow or whatever. It’s just a certain look I get from her at times. Pisses me off!

Tomorrow is a state holiday and I’m going to celebrate it by staying at home and avoiding the outside world. I need to continue working on my “idea seeds” that I spoke of a few days ago. Those babies are the only things that are going to keep me out of jail and alive. I must make my way out of that place or it’ll be the death of me. đŸ˜¦

For the record, the last few days have been some of my better days since all the treatments began more than a year ago. I’m nowhere near remission. I still have sudden, unexpected weakness episodes, plus the chemo makes me feel very tired at times. I can only hope I have more decent/good days.

 I must go now to allow my precious bed and pillows to comfort me and soothe my poor nerves.