Stuck

I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve been more than a little caught up in the craziness that is my daily life. Between the MG battle and the daily emotional battle I’ve been having with my job, I’ve been in a very strange headspace.

I think this is the first time in my life I can truly say that I’m stuck and I can’t seem to find the ability to overcome the inertia of being stuck. I’ve even been struggling with my little idea seeds I’ve spoken of before. It’s almost as if all of my abilities to sort and process things are stuck in neutral.

I’ve been meditating and doing self-Reiki to try to get things moving again but I’ve been failing. I’ve been having all sorts of anxiety-themed dreams lately. I can’t get away from the weirdness at work because I find myself dreaming about a lot of it at night or whenever I take a nap. I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted every morning. This stuff is not helping the myasthenia symptoms thus, more missed days of work.

I had an iron infusion nearly three weeks ago and it has finally started kicking in. I’m not as physically tired, but I still deal with the up and down weakness from MG. My neurologist told me that the improvement in my iron levels may help with the treatment of MG. We’ll see how it goes. The azathioprine is removing more strands of my hair every day.

In the meantime, how do I deal with all of this? I have tried all sorts of Jedi mind tricks to deal with the ickiness of my place of employment. The tricks have helped a few times but lately they’ve done nothing for me. I go through most of the motions at work. With every email requesting something from me at work, I feel another piece of my soul being taken away from me to please people I have no desire to please. I go back and forth between feeling absolute angst to disgust to sadness to questioning why I chose to work where I work. Well, I do know that I love being in the business of helping people but in my current role, I can’t really say I’m helping anyone but my agency’s higher powers that be. I have no desire to do this work at another agency. Many of them have the same issues and it would be like walking from the middle of one fire into another one. I want to be out of the fire. I still desire to help people and make a living doing it.

I will soon be going to sleep for the night. I can only hope for a dreamless sleep unless it’s a dream telling me how to become unstuck.

 

 

Just punch fear in the face!

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Helping hand

Not sure if I’ve mentioned this in previous posts but I’ve spent the last several months undergoing EMDR therapy to deal with post traumatic stress disorder. One of the things I’ve worked on lately is attempting to make peace with and not have such a strong reaction to memories of nearly drowning 31 years ago. I still occasionally have nightmares of being under water. I love, love, love being around water and on it, but not in it…or even the threat of being in it!

Last week I had to go to the city where this happened. I was on a work trip. I braved a trip to the beach with one of my coworkers to test my reaction to the water. I had to step into the water. I had to allow the water to get up to my calves, if not higher. Well, after much firm but gentle coaxing by my coworker, I managed to make it calf-deep. I hung out there for a minute with my heart pounding and my stomach in my mouth. The water was very choppy. I think I would have felt better had the water been a bit calmer and if there had not been jellyfish hanging out.

I was determined to not have a panic attack. Of all the PTSD issues I’ve worked through, this one has freaked me out the most…even more than my skydiving adventure last year! Submerged in water on terra firma vs. leaping out of a plane at 10,500 feet. You figure that one out.

After the calves-deep-in-water saga, I stepped back far enough to where only my ankles were submerged. I was still having minor internal panic nonsense going on.

One cool thing happened when the water receded the first time — a shell fragment landed neatly on my right foot. I’ve always loved collecting shells, but typically only whole ones. I mindlessly picked up the fragment and placed it in my pocket. It wasn’t until I made it back to the hotel and emptied my pockets, placing the fragment on the table that I realized it looked like a hand. A sign of help? Support? Blessing? Well, it felt positive and I brought my helping hand home. It has a place on my altar. 🙂

Am I ready to go diving? Hell no! Not yet. I’m not even ready to go swimming. Perhaps, I’ll make it to the point of being able to sit in a calm swimming pool…with rails I can hold onto until the panic subsides. 🙂

Oh, and I placed a few drops of water from the Ganges along with some water blessed by the Dalai Lama into the water as a “gift” to the beach.