Redirecting the Ship

I’ve faced many challenges throughout my 40 years of life. Some of them have been self-imposed while most others have come from the great beyond. I like a good challenge, but I’ve been seriously questioning the ones I’ve been facing over the last few years. I mean, I’ve not had one single break. I can’t even say I’ve been able to actually stand up to most of the challenges.

There are people who say to me that they’re amazed at how I’ve dealt with things. I laugh because I think they’re joking. I sure as hell do not feel I’ve been dealing with things in the best way. In general, I’ve swayed back and forth between being optimistic and being the worst pessimist. I sometimes hide the pessimist from some of the people who see me every day just because I know that’s how they prefer things. They don’t want to hear the negative, pissy side of my thoughts. So, I smile and give off a things-are-kinda-ok-today vibe. Deep down I’m angry, upset, and keep questioning why I’m having to deal with what I consider an unfair amount of crap on my plate!

Sometimes I’m able to look at the world around me and see that there are people who are in worse shape than me. Other days, I don’t see them. I just see the chaotic world I’m living in.  Not all of this is based on myasthenia gravis (MG). I have other health issues I’ve been dealing with for many years, plus I’ve battled PTSD from various life incidents. I’ve been working my way through those things—thank God for therapists and EMDR (google EMDR if you don’t know what it is).

In general, I’ve always performed well at any and all jobs I’ve had. I pick things up quickly and charge forward. That hasn’t been the case with my current place of employment thanks to the health challenges and an environment of extreme favoritism, cliques, thin skins, and endless roadblocks.

Overcoming challenges, according to some, makes us stronger and well equipped to survive. I have another theory and that is when one challenge after another after another and another hit you, perhaps it’s the universe’s way of trying to get your attention and tell you that you need to steer your ship in a different direction…you’re on the wrong course. Hmmm…

I changed courses career-wise a few years ago when I decided to trade in my life of journalism/editing/proofreading to fully focus on the world of emergency management. I had been volunteering in that realm for a few years and thought I’d make it official and work on a Master’s degree in the field. What lead up to that sudden change in course was a series of roadblocks and challenges that were coming at me from many directions at the time. I had experienced my first and only layoff, I was being hit by major financial challenges, things were going south—again—with my health, etc. etc. There really wasn’t anything I could do to fix any of those things so I had to change course.

I’m now finding myself in that same position today. I love the field in which I work, but where I work isn’t working for me. I can’t change one single thing about the place or my position in it. My health is not cutting me any slack to even make more attempts to change things on the work front. I have zero desire to work for anyone else except for myself.

I’ve worked for myself before and enjoyed it. I was very young and had a lot more energy, but I did not have the discipline to pace myself so I started burning out and had to bow out and take orders from someone else. I can’t say I have that level of energy these days, but I do have the discipline to pace myself. With that said, I’m no longer looking for another employer. I’m looking at these “idea seeds” the universe has been planting in my head for a while now. If I nurture them and allow them to grow, I’ll be able to be my own boss again and be able to do the things I enjoy doing the most—helping others. I’ll also be helping myself for a change. I’m not going into detail on what these idea seeds are, but I’ll say one of them is related to my current career, the other is completely out in left field, while another one, which was planted a few days ago, ties together my past with my present.

Now, if I can stop getting in my own way, this looks to be a very interesting journey ahead. My life has never been boring and I’m not about to let it become boring now. Take that MG!