That’s a lot of hair!

ImageThis is the first of several clumps of hair that have decided the Azathioprine, a brand of chemotherapy, is too much for them to handle. I’ve had mixed feelings about the idea that I could lose some or all of my hair thanks to having to take this medicine for myasthenia gravis. I’ve always had very thick hair. In the past, I’ve grown it halfway down my back. I also ventured into a very short cut once–that was a bit extreme and not accepted by myself or anyone around me! Even my dear godmother told me I needed to grow it back out-STAT! Ha! I let it grow back out. These days I opt for a shoulder-length bob. Perfect length. You can still have different hair styles. It’s very rare that I do anything with it other than wear it down or occasionally pull it up into a pony tail.

I’m not a hat wearer. I love admiring hats on other people, but I’m not a fan of wearing one myself. I love scarves and I have a gazillion scarves in my collection. If all my hair goes, those scarves may become my best friends. I have no $$ for a nice wig and my bloody insurance doesn’t cover them. Go figure. I’m set to be on Azathioprine every day for the foreseeable future.

I’ve been battling self-esteem issues of late and the idea of perhaps being stared at due to lack of hair will just contribute to my growing discomfort with everything that has been going on.

I know it’s all superficial, and there are so many worse things I could be dealing with, but it’s the little things that can break you down over time. If I were a guy, short or no hair would be just fine. But, alas, I’m a girl and most of us like our hair–even the bad hair days are better than having no hair.

MG, if only I could punch you in the face right now! My stupid hand muscles are too weak today to form proper fists!

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Stuck

I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve been more than a little caught up in the craziness that is my daily life. Between the MG battle and the daily emotional battle I’ve been having with my job, I’ve been in a very strange headspace.

I think this is the first time in my life I can truly say that I’m stuck and I can’t seem to find the ability to overcome the inertia of being stuck. I’ve even been struggling with my little idea seeds I’ve spoken of before. It’s almost as if all of my abilities to sort and process things are stuck in neutral.

I’ve been meditating and doing self-Reiki to try to get things moving again but I’ve been failing. I’ve been having all sorts of anxiety-themed dreams lately. I can’t get away from the weirdness at work because I find myself dreaming about a lot of it at night or whenever I take a nap. I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted every morning. This stuff is not helping the myasthenia symptoms thus, more missed days of work.

I had an iron infusion nearly three weeks ago and it has finally started kicking in. I’m not as physically tired, but I still deal with the up and down weakness from MG. My neurologist told me that the improvement in my iron levels may help with the treatment of MG. We’ll see how it goes. The azathioprine is removing more strands of my hair every day.

In the meantime, how do I deal with all of this? I have tried all sorts of Jedi mind tricks to deal with the ickiness of my place of employment. The tricks have helped a few times but lately they’ve done nothing for me. I go through most of the motions at work. With every email requesting something from me at work, I feel another piece of my soul being taken away from me to please people I have no desire to please. I go back and forth between feeling absolute angst to disgust to sadness to questioning why I chose to work where I work. Well, I do know that I love being in the business of helping people but in my current role, I can’t really say I’m helping anyone but my agency’s higher powers that be. I have no desire to do this work at another agency. Many of them have the same issues and it would be like walking from the middle of one fire into another one. I want to be out of the fire. I still desire to help people and make a living doing it.

I will soon be going to sleep for the night. I can only hope for a dreamless sleep unless it’s a dream telling me how to become unstuck.